She said 'Yes'.



Here's how it happened.

I've been so busy even my Lil Sis is saying I'm ignoring her. Here's what I fired back in an email:

"It's almost exactly a month since the condo closed. In that time, I haven't gone once to the gym. I'm finally starting to see some light, and did all the painting for all the rooms, got the popcorn ceiling removed, primed, painted, fixed up the damaged walls, tore out the carpet, removed the tile, the vinyl underneath, the other layer of vinyl underneath, and the glue still stuck underneath that. It sucked. I cleaned up, and today, the hardwood floors are getting installed, plank by plank, and next Monday-ish, carpets go in, and on Tuesday, the new windows get put in. I also tore out the bathroom tile/vinyl crap, the medicine cabinet, and the vanity, and got replacements for those. I'm putting them in after I repaint the bathroom, and then I get tile put in."

I'm so out of shape I look like Fat Bastard now. Kidding. After this weekend things should get back to normal and I can start having a life again. The condo is gonna be a beauty - and I've been taking pictures all throughout the process so I'll share them. It's still not done though - I'm going to tear out the kitchen and have a new set of cabinets and granite counters put in. Home Depot says it'll take about 3 months. Not so fun. Especially the bill. But it'll all be worth it when it's done. I figured, why do people make their houses nice right BEFORE they leave? Why not make it nice right as you move in so you can enjoy it? Dummies.

Yes, I know it's been over a month since I posted. I'm kind of back because of some pestering emails telling me to write an update. :)

I've withdrawn a little bit from Blogger to let life kind of take its own flow. And in these past few months, it feels like life really has changed a lot for me.

I'm growing my hair out. I haven't cut it since January, and I've now got a beard and mustache. Pretty weird, but I like how it came out.

Repptide was redesigned, and has taken some leaps since being relaunched. We've got a couple thousand members now, and it's growing about 100 per week.

My apartment lease is up, so I looked around among the cratering house values here in town and found a condo on my street that actually would cost just as much to own as it is to rent. So duh - I bought it. It closed last week. The 2BR/2BA in the La Jolla area sold for $369k last August, then went into foreclosure in December. It came on the market late January, I put a bid in early February, and got it for $285k. That's how crazy this market is.

Now I'm spending ALL of my free time painting, prepping, planning, designing. I'm tearing out the kitchen and redesigned it from the ground up. I'm tearing out the carpets and tile and putting in hardwood floors and new carpet. I took out the awful popcorn ceilings and painted it to a smooth finish. And I'll be putting up crown molding afterward.

It's a busy time, but somehow, I've even found time to spend with someone.

You know her. We're giving it another try. Just thought I'd let you know.

There's a song from Sarah McLachlan, titled Answer that makes me think about what ICG has been for me this past month. After the breakup I did a lot of thinking, a lot of going back and forth in my mind, about pulling away or giving it another shot. It was confusing. During that whole time though, ICG had remained patient, caring, understanding. This song makes me think of her:

I will be the answer
At the end of the line
I will be there for you
While you take the time
In the burning of uncertainty
I will be your solid ground
I will hold the balance
If you can't look down

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all gone out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind
Take me to a
Place so holy
That I can wash this from my mind
The memory of choosing not to fight

If it takes my whole life
I won't break, I won't bend
It will all be worth it
Worth it in the end
'Cause I can only tell you what I know
That I need you in my life
When the stars have all burned out
You'll still be burning so bright

Cast me gently
Into morning
For the night has been unkind

And I haven't seen Atonement (well we could've if we had snuck in the movie...), but someone put a video out there with the above song in the background in case you haven't heard it before:

Damn it, I'm having a hard time posting stuff I've written. I promised to keep details confined to me so I can maintain as much of ICG's privacy as possible, but when you talk about breakups and the why's behind it, it's impossible to just show one side of the conversation. You need to hear both sides; otherwise, it's like watching someone talk on the phone: it's not complete when you can't hear what the other person has said.

So I'll tell you this: ICG has returned to blogging. And I will let you read in her words part of what happened.

It's been complicated since the one and a half months of our breakup. There have been attempts to talk about it, what went wrong, why we needed certain things from each other, what we gave to each other, and what was missing. With the benefit of hindsight, things became more clear. With the benefit of time, the truth didn't hurt as much. With the benefit of distance, we each felt we could approach each other from a more neutral and objective standpoint.

It wasn't easy. There were times of complete closeness and understanding, followed by flashes of anger and a desire to pull away and create distance. But through it all we reached an understanding, a break through of sorts: we finally learned about each other the One True Thing we each needed from a relationship, and how whenever each of our "#1s" had become threatened, our relationship took a turn for the worse. EVERY single fight we've ever had had its roots in it, and it was understanding that that really clarified things between us.

We talk more, sometimes more openly than ever before. I think breaking up was the best thing that could have ever happened to us, because it gave us perspective, and untangled us from the inertia that kept two unhappy people together. Something wasn't right, like a fracture that didn't heal properly, and we needed a solid and painful break to try to make it better again.

That's not to say that we're back together, but we are trying to sort things out and see if there aren't fundamental issues that truly can't be overcome. There's good will between us again, but it's been awkward at times, and occasionally volatile as sensitive topics and unresolved fundamental issues come to the forefront. In the meantime, I think the distance is good, because it gives each of us the space we need and the time to think things through while we live our lives independently, with her spending time with her friends, and me with mine. And that's what I need right now: more time and space to think about things, and to make sure my steps are measured so I don't rush into anything.

I know it can't be easy for ICG, but I appreciate her patience while I work things out for myself.

I came home yesterday around noon to an empty apartment, bereft of life and furniture. Almost everything was gone - the couch, the dining table, chairs, silverware, plates, most of the pots and pans. Cabinets were empty, and so were the closets.

The reality settled in on me that ICG had really moved out, and the sadness inside me silently grew to fill the emptiness that stood before me.

I took it all in, and then hurried out. I had to rebuild, and I had a lot to do. In place of sadness, I filled myself with purpose. I had no food, nothing to eat it with, and nothing to eat it on.

So I hit Trader Joe's, got some cuts of chicken and pork, rice, and a few simmer sauces, and then tossed it in the Crock Pot on low while I headed out for more. IKEA for new dishes and cups, Wal-Mart for silverware, and Underground Furniture to custom order a smaller version of the couch I had always wanted.

3-4 weeks, they said (which is a lot better than 5 months like those fuckers at Copenhagen Interiors). But in the meantime, they'd be happy to give me a free loaner couch on Wednesday if I'd be willing to cough up the delivery fee. I thought about it. Deal.

I still needed a dining table. The ones at IKEA were crap. It was either too big, too ugly, too low, or too square or rectangular. I wanted a round table, something tall that would go with bar stools. I don't know why, but something about that style had always appealed to me. Yeah, it's different, and I probably would have heard objections to it, but now the place is all mine, and I can do whatever I want. I am going to have a cool pad. But everywhere I looked, nobody had the right style. Then I remembered: Crate and Barrel just put up a store a few streets down.

I searched. I asked the staff upstairs, where all their tables were. They said they didn't have anything that fit that description. We even searched through the catalog. Bummer. But there was a nice small, black rectangular one downstairs that did the trick. I asked the gal who worked there for what she thought. Lucky for me, she was studying interior design, so I picked her brain some more. Then she pointed me to another table style that might work.

It was the round one I had been looking for all day. It was there the whole time, set behind a pillar, but I had never noticed, and neither did the staff upstairs who told me they didn't have it. Liars.

And it was even on sale. Obviously it was a sign. I got it.

After creatively solving how to fit it in my car, I got back home and was welcomed by the delicious smell of my Crock Pot creation from the afternoon. I built the table, cleaned up the dishes, got the silverware all set up, and by 9pm, I was able to eat my first meal at home.

By myself. Standing up. I need chairs. And I need music - something to play my iPod - to fill the void in my apartment and replace the feelings I get whenever I see an empty closet or space that would remind me of ICG's absence.

I need to keep busy. I feel better when I'm moving toward something.

I found out the other day that ICG found a place. And she'll be moving out on Saturday.

It's surreal. It's like all this time you don't ever imagine it happening, but when you hear those words, it's like a door closes and you realize something really has changed.

I'm the one who broke up with her, so why am I so bummed out? I don't know. I offered to drop off a ton of extra boxes from my sister's recent move, and she just cheerily declined. Cheerily. Maybe it's because of that I feel a little bummed. Like she's happy to be going.

Okay. I could use a New Year now.

Orange County is driving me nuts. I don't know what to do around here. I'm surrounded by suburbia, and everything requires a drive just to get anywhere. It's like I miss this perfectly fitting glove that San Diego offers - an outdoor escape, short walks to the park, coffee shops to lounge in, beaches to go to as you listen to the waves crash and melt away your thoughts. I miss it.

Anyway, changing topics: I found an article in Men's Health just the other day. Coincidentally, it was about breakups. It explained what to expect:

1 day after (the protest stage): He is more likely to funnel negative emotions into physical aggression. She cries her eyes out.
1 week after (the obsession stage): He broods and tries to recover by doing things with peers, not by talking it out. She justifies, settling in with friends, relying on their close social network to talk about their breakups. All of the guy's flaws are exposed and talked about. This is how her friends will see you from now on. Expect icy glares and cold shoulders.
1 month after (worst is over stage): interestingly, this part says that the dumpee recovers and is generally as mentally happy as they were when they were in the relationship. He ends up trying to pursue his ex at least once. She blames herself and misses the guy. Keeping one's distance is highly recommended.
6 months (acceptance stage): you realize you've hit acceptance when you go a whole week not thinking of the other person. He returns to a state of equilibrium and becomes emotionally available again to date. She seeks closure.

Interesting, huh.

As for the article I referenced in the last post, ICG and I actually talked about it.

We independently reached the conclusion that I suffer from Issues #1 (Saying "yes" to you means saying "no" to the rest of the world) and #4 (Relationships shouldn't require so much work).

Let me elaborate. Hitting the 2 year mark had a more profound effect on me than I realized. From the guy's perspective, it's when everything hits you and you realize that this is for real, that there is someone across from you who is expecting a proposal, and by extension, a lifetime commitment. You end up asking yourself a number of questions: what's working, what's not? What have you had concerns about that haven't been addressed, of if you have addressed them, what continues to be a problem? Why haven't those issues been resolved yet? Is everything that bothers you right now something you can live with for the rest of your life?

It's like this unspoken contract: all the problems you bring before you get into the marriage is something you can't ever complain about ever again, because they were there and you still chose to step forward. It'd be unfair to take that next step and then turn around and say what's bothering you after the fact. I don't know - maybe that's just the way I think.

Anyway, the looming finality of taking the next and final step really made me think hard about what I was about to potentially walk into. There were serious, fundamental issues that were not working for us, for me. We had talked about them before, yet nothing concrete had ever really changed. So when it came time to make the decision, it made me ask myself one last time: Is this really the best for me? Under the current circumstances, I could not say yes. So I took a very deep breath and braced myself. And what you saw afterward was the end result. As wonderful as ICG is, I could not, in good conscience, tell myself that I could be completely happy with how things currently were, and how they were currently projecting to be.

And that's why you find me here. Brooding. Thinking things through. Being miserable at times and wondering how far I have to go before I see that light at the end of the tunnel.

*sigh*

Issue #4 kind of is one of the contributing factors to the breakup. It was a lot of work at times. And I just felt that it shouldn't be. Heck, that's the advice *I* gave to other people when they talked about their relationships. It shouldn't feel like work. Wingman told me the same thing, as well as my coworker, who had the benefit of hindsight and experience of being married over 20 years. It was a lot of work at times, and the fact that it was suggested a deeper issue existed between us. Some of it was my fault, obviously.

So here I am.